I have a childhood friend I’ve been close with since we were little.
To give you an idea of how close, we were at the level where if one of our parents was away for work, we’d eat dinner at the other's house and sleep over together.
Our first meeting was actually before we were even born.
Our expected due dates were coincidentally close, and because our mothers went to the same maternity clinic, they hit it off. In short, it was fate that we would become close after we were born.
“Ak-kun! Hurry, hurry!”
“W-Wait for me! Kanade!”
However, our compatibility... couldn’t exactly be called good, even as a compliment.
Against my childhood friend’s active personality—Kanade Ichinose—I had a cowardly nature and was always being pulled along by her hand to be taken somewhere.
Led by her hand, I was taken to various places during my early childhood.
Inside the thickets she had discovered.
To the riverbed she wanted to go to on a whim.
Through private property she called a 'shortcut' that she had found.
Being dragged to all sorts of places, getting exhausted, and then sleeping soundly at night...
That was my daily life as a child.
That daily life of mine collapsed... probably around the time we started elementary school.
It started when I, with my timid and gloomy personality, became an isolated presence in class.
When I say 'isolated presence,' it might sound like I was suffering from insidious bullying, but I’ve lived my life completely unrelated to bullying up to this point.
It was just that I hated being thought of as someone who couldn’t read the room, so I didn't actively speak up much.
“Ah, wait! Everyone!”
...On the other hand, because Kanade was so active, she became a class favorite in no time.
No, the reason Kanade became a popular person in class probably wasn’t just due to her personality.
Her skin was so fair it seemed to never have known a tan.
Her hair, perhaps because it was so carefully maintained, had a beautiful gloss to it.
Her figure was so well-proportioned she could have been an elementary school model.
And her beauty was so stunning it wouldn't lose to any actress out there.
There was no way a girl like her wouldn’t be popular in class.
Whenever she entered the classroom during breaks, the boys would hint at their feelings for Kanade, while the girls were enchanted by her beauty.
Normally, there might be concerns about becoming an object of jealousy for the same gender, but... her beauty was so perfect it didn't even give others the time to feel jealous.
...Even though our sense of distance had grown further apart than in the old days as Kanade solidified her popularity like that, I felt a little bit proud to be her childhood friend.
Because none of the people here knew that Kanade had sung and danced to idol songs, or that she had once cried her eyes out after hitting her leg on the corner of a desk.
There were secrets that only she and I knew.
That was likely the emotional support for my heart back then.
...But, those secrets between Kanade and me would eventually be shared with someone else one day.
When I thought about that distant future, I felt like a small, sharp pain ran through my chest.
“They say Kanade-chan is being hospitalized.”
One night, during a period when my relationship with Kanade was growing distant, my mother told me.
“Eh, really?”
The day before her hospitalization, Kanade had been attending school energetically. I couldn’t believe she was going to be hospitalized, let alone that she had even seen a doctor.
“Yeah. It’s tough.”
“...Is she going to be okay?”
“They said it was for a diagnostic hospitalization, so she should be fine, right?”
...At this time, we were terribly optimistic about Kanade’s hospitalization.
My mother was probably optimistic because she heard about it through Kanade’s mother and was told not to worry, but...
However, at that time, I never would have imagined it.
That I would never meet Kanade anywhere other than a hospital until that day we said our farewells...
...The me of that time didn't know that yet and was carefree, watching the Sentai anime I liked.
One day. Two days. Three days... one month since Kanade’s hospitalization.
Time passed in the blink of an eye.
Kanade showed no sign of appearing at school at all.
Visitation was refused based on the wishes of her and her parents, and time just passed mercilessly without us being able to meet.
When the teacher first informed the class during the morning short homeroom about Kanade’s hospitalization, the classmates showed great distress.
However, after a month passed, the classmates' distress faded, and ordinary days went by as if a person like Kanade had never even existed in this class.
Probably, the only one in class who was worried about Kanade’s condition was me, her childhood friend.
“Atsushi. Do you want to go to Kanade-chan’s place?”
Three months after Kanade’s hospitalization, my mother spoke to me.
“Eh, can I see her?”
“Yeah. It seems like she’s finally stabilized.”
“...I see.”
“...Will you meet her?”
Even as a child, I felt a sense of wrongness at my mother’s heavy tone.
Even though we could finally reunite with someone I hadn't been able to see for three months, I couldn't see any feelings of joy from my mother.
Rather, my mother’s face looked a bit anxious.
“I’ll meet her.”
However, I replied instantly to my mother’s suggestion.
“Of course I’m going to meet her.”
On Saturday of that week, accompanied by my parents, I went to visit the hospital where Kanade was staying.
Sitting in the back seat, I held the flowers for the visit that we had bought on the way to the hospital.
The car was filled with the sweet scent of flowers, and though I wanted to open the window, I couldn't suggest it because my parents in the driver and passenger seats were silent.
My parents always talked happily during trips, but today they didn’t seem to be in that kind of mood.
“I’ll go park the car in the lot, so you go ahead.”
“Yeah. Be careful.”
My mother and I got out in front of the hospital entrance and watched my father head to the parking lot.
“Come on, let’s go.”
“Okay.”
Led by my mother’s hand, I entered the hospital.
The hospital smelled like disinfectant, and just smelling it made me feel a bit sick.
“...Atsushi. Today, we’re going to leave as soon as we show our faces, okay?”
“Ehh.”
My mother’s words were a bit disappointing.
My mother walked quickly through the hospital.
It was a bit difficult to keep up with her fast pace.
As usual, my mother was quiet today.
“...They said the third floor.”
“Hmm.”
“Atsushi. First... there’s something I have to tell you.”
“What?”
“...The truth is, it seems Kanade-chan really hates meeting her friends.”
“Eh, why?”
“That’s why the other classmates still can’t visit. Our family... seems to be special.”
...My feelings were complicated.
“...Even if you see Kanade-chan’s appearance, try not to let it show on your face, okay?”
“...On my face?”
Ah, Kanade probably isn't in top form yet, so she’s telling me not to get too excited and tire her out.
“Okay.”
I nodded optimistically.
...When the elevator arrived at the third floor, I felt my heart give a big thud.
It was the first time in three months that I would see Kanade.
...When you haven’t met for three months, it was hard to even remember what kind of conversations we had three months ago.
That must be why.
I was nervous.
I let out a small breath so my mother wouldn't notice.
On the third floor where the patient rooms were, nurses were moving about busily.
In contrast to the busy nurses, elderly inpatients were sitting in chairs in front of the rooms, chatting happily.
“It seems to be here.”
...Kanade’s room was at the edge of the third floor.
“Atsushi, we’re going in.”
I nodded silently at my mother’s heavy tone.
My nervousness reached its peak.
The inside of my head was racing more busily than the nurses I saw earlier.
...What should I say when I see Kanade?
I was only thinking about that now.
Saying 'it's been three months' might be too ordinary.
Talking about things that happened at school yesterday... might be better to avoid.
In that case... what else should I talk about?
My mother knocked on the door of the hospital room.
“Come in.”
Kanade’s mother’s voice came from inside.
“Excuse us.”
I felt like my mother’s voice became a little higher than before.
With a clattering sound, the door slid open.
“Hellooo.”
Kanade’s mother welcomed us with a smile.
“It’s been a while. Have you been well?”
My mother’s voice was bright. It was a complete change from the atmosphere until just a moment ago.
...The sense of wrongness I had felt toward my mother...
“Oh my, Kanade-chan.”
It vanished when I heard my mother’s bright voice.
“...Auntie, it’s been a while.”
Kanade’s voice was heard from the back of the room...
I turned my gaze toward the direction of the voice...
“...Ak-kun.”
...I couldn't say anything.
“It’s been a while.”
The smiling Kanade...
Her skin, which had been so fair it seemed to never have known a tan... had lost even more pigment.
The hair that had been so carefully maintained... was gone.
Her figure, which was so well-proportioned she could have been an elementary school model... had nothing left but skin and bones.
...And her beauty, which didn't even give others the time to feel jealous...
“...It’s been a while, Kanade.”
I managed to squeeze out my voice.
I intended to make a smile... but I might have been making a cramped face.
When I saw her appearance, all the wrongness I had felt from my parents up to this point was resolved. The way the heavy atmosphere shifted to a bright one right before entering the room made me realize that my mother had probably been told about Kanade’s current state by Kanade’s mother.
...No.
If I had thought about it calmly, considering Kanade’s current state after living a hospitalized life for three months without showing up at school, I might have been able to imagine this situation.
At the very least, it was obvious enough for anyone to realize that the current Kanade was 'not normal.'
“...I was worried since we couldn't meet for three months.”
...Then, why couldn’t I have predicted Kanade’s current state?
“...Sorry.”
Kanade gave a sorry-looking wry smile.
Seeing her wry smile, I realized it.
“...No. It’s okay.”
...I knew.
I knew her condition was bad.
I knew it, but I still turned my eyes away.
...Because.
“...I didn’t want to believe that Kanade, of all people, would end up in that situation.”
The visit to Kanade ended in the blink of an eye, and I muttered that in the car on the way back.
My parents didn’t say any words to me.
The car was still filled with the sweet scent of the flowers we bought for the visit.
“...It seems Kanade-chan is in quite a dangerous state.”
However, I no longer thought I wanted them to open the window.
“...I suppose so.”
“...How pitiful.”
Listening to my parents’ conversation, I looked down and clenched my fists. I was driven by a seething anger.
“...What do you mean, 'pitiful'?”
My anger was directed at my parents.
“Saying 'pitiful'... that makes it sound like Kanade is going to... soon.”
Soon...
I couldn't say the words after that.
The air in the car became even worse.
“Atsushi.”
The one who spoke in the terrible atmosphere of the car was my father.
“...What do you want to do?”
“Eh?”
“Seeing Kanade-chan’s condition, as you are now, what do you want to do?”
“What do you mean, what...”
What was my father suddenly talking about?
I couldn't understand it, but my father’s voice was entirely serious.
It seemed like he was asking something of me.
“...I”
...Thinking about it now, my father at that time might have been concerned for me, who was about to lose a best friend, and allowed me to choose how to say goodbye to that friend.
“I want to encourage Kanade.”
However, the me of that time wasn’t thinking deeply.
When I thought about how to reply in my head to my father’s serious question, the only thing I remembered... was the sight of the completely weakened Kanade.
“I see. Then, I’ll talk to the Ichinoses.”
“...Eh?”
“I’ll arrange things so that you two can meet regularly from now on.”
My father’s determination seemed firm.
“So... no matter what the result may be, make sure you never give up.”
...To put it in a contrary way, even if my father hadn't told me that, if I could meet Kanade, there was no way I would give up until the very end. While burning with a feeling like a sense of rebellion, I tried to sleep that night... but for some reason, even though fatigue had built up, I couldn't fall asleep for a long time that day.
A few days later, just as he declared, my father made an agreement with the Ichinose family so that Kanade and I could meet every Saturday and Sunday in the hospital room. And my parents even took on the role of drivers to take me to the hospital every week.
“...Good morning, Kanade.”
I talked with Kanade every week.
“Hang in there, Kanade.”
Sometimes I encouraged her.
“That's not true. Everyone is looking forward to seeing you again.”
Sometimes I comforted her.
“...Hey, Ak-kun, do you have someone you like?”
...And sometimes.
“Eh...”
“Hey, do you...?”
“...I don't know.”
I replied while looking down.
After a moment of silence...
“I see.”
Kanade smiled gently.
“I have one, you know. A person I like.”
And then, looking embarrassed... she told me.
In this way, while occasionally giving off a strange atmosphere, our regular meetings continued.
One month.
Two months passed...
“Good morn...ing.”
One day, when I went to Kanade’s hospital room, doctors and nurses were surrounding the bed where Kanade was sleeping.
“Kanade! Kanadeee!”
Kanade’s mother’s piercing screams echoed in the room.
“Get out of the way!”
I, who was standing frozen in front of the hospital room door, was pushed aside by a doctor who seemed to be in a panic.
“Atsushi, are you okay?”
My mother worriedly picked me up.
...Even though I was already an elementary schooler, I ended up crying loudly right there.
After she was taken to the intensive care unit and the patient herself was gone, I kept crying in the room for about an hour, and my tears only stopped when I had no more tears to shed.
“...Atsushi, let’s pray.”
My mother said to me as I kept my head down even after I stopped crying.
“Kanade-chan will be fine. I'm sure she'll show us her healthy self again.”
...I didn't reply.
No, I couldn't.
Thanks to my parents' consideration, I had continued visiting Kanade for a while.
We had talked about all sorts of things.
I encouraged her, I comforted her... and I was even able to hear about her inner feelings.
I was able to spend precious time...
...But, in the end.
No matter how much I encouraged her.
No matter how much I comforted her.
No matter how much... I was able to learn about her feelings...!
...In the end, I couldn't do anything.
Fortunately, Kanade’s life was saved.
“Sorry about earlier. For pushing you.”
After finishing Kanade’s treatment, the doctor apologized to me directly.
“No. Rather, thank you.”
“Eh?”
“Thank you for saving Kanade’s life...”
All I could do was bow my head to the doctor.
“...I'm sorry.”
Looking awkward, the doctor scratched his cheek.
“It's likely that all I can do is keep her alive for now.”
“...”
“If she is to overcome her current illness, a time will surely come when she must leave this place.”
“...”
“Even then... it’s fifty-fifty. No...”
The doctor didn’t say anything more than that.
Then, the day of parting arrived suddenly. No, to tell the truth, it might have been a pre-planned parting, but I was a child at the time and wasn't treated specially enough to be told the things adults had decided.
...No, the fact that I was informed at all was probably already special.
“It seems Kanade-chan and her family are going overseas starting next week.”
Then my mother told me little by little the reason for Kanade’s journey.
However, the content wasn't far from what had crossed my mind the moment I was told Kanade was going abroad. In short, to treat Kanade’s illness, she and her family were going to France, where a doctor known as an authority on that disease was located.
Just that.
“So, I think everyone won't be back for a while.”
“I see.”
Why didn't you tell me sooner? If you had told me sooner, I could have lamented the parting with Kanade more and cherished that time even more.
...Strangely, such feelings of resentment didn't well up.
“It would be good if she could safely get well...”
Seeing Kanade suffer and weaken day by day from her illness, I couldn't think 'don't go' or 'don't go far away.'
Rather, I couldn't help but feel that instead of being near someone like me who could only say irresponsible words of encouragement... she should have gone abroad sooner and concentrated on her treatment.
Anyway, for those reasons, I didn't feel resentful about our parting, wished for her recovery, and accepted it honestly. Perhaps because of that, the day of our parting came in the blink of an eye.
My mother and I went to the airport on the day of her departure to see Kanade and her family off. For some reason, the fact that I was holding hands with my mother the whole time on the train still sticks in my mind.
“Well then, we’ll be going now.”
Kanade’s mother said to us in a deliberately bright voice in front of the departure gate.
“Take care.”
“You too.”
The mothers' farewell was brief. Watching that scene, I somehow thought of the two of them as 'adults.'
“Come on, you two as well.”
I was pushed on the back by my mother. Taking a step forward and making eye contact with Kanade... I froze.
Even though I had talked about so many things with Kanade every single day until now.
For some reason, the words wouldn’t come out now.
“...Ak-kun.”
The one who spoke first was Kanade.
“Ak-kun, have you ever been to France?”
...Because I had talked about all sorts of things with Kanade in her various states until now, I noticed it immediately.
“...No.”
“I see. Me neither—”
“...I see.”
“Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it!”
“...That's good.”
“Yeah. ...Yeah! I wonder where I should go. The Eiffel Tower, right? The Arc de Triomphe, right? There's a long list of tourist spots!”
...Her voice was trembling.
“...I want to go to lots of places.”
“You can go. Since you have plenty of time.”
“...I wonder if there's plenty?”
“There is. There definitely is.”
I felt like cold sweat ran down my spine.
“...Kanade is going to France from now on to get treatment and beat this illness.”
“...”
“When that happens, Kanade will be healthy. So you can go anywhere.”
I smiled.
“Besides, I'm sure... Kanade will become a popular person once you're healthy!”
“That's not...”
“It's true.”
...In fact, she was the most popular girl in class before.
“So, I'm sure you'll become popular right away and easily forget about me.”
“...That's...”
“So, even to help you forget about me, get well soon, okay!”
I was desperate to hold back my tears.
The airport entrance.
Cheerful people from foreign lands speaking foreign languages.
People who looked fed up, perhaps going abroad for work.
...And her, looking timid, with a face like she was about to cry right now.
“Good luck.”
I sent words of encouragement to Kanade. I wanted her to do her best so she wouldn't lose to something like an illness.
...That wasn't the feeling anymore.
I just...
Because I am a powerless human.
Because I am a weak, weak child who can't save even a single small child like Kanade...
...That's why I wanted her to vow.
...To vow to Kanade that she would do her best.
“...Fufu.”
She only smiled thinly.
“...It's almost time.”
“Yes, take care on your way.”
“Yeah.”
The mothers lamented the parting. An announcement echoed from afar.
“...Bye-bye.”
Passing through the departure gate, Kanade weakly waved her hand toward me.
“...Now, shall we go home?”
Dozens of minutes after seeing off Kanade and the others as they proceeded to baggage inspection, my mother made the suggestion.
“...I want to stay here a little longer.”
I was reluctant to go home.
“Then, let’s go toward the deck. We can see off the plane Kanade-chan and the others are on.”
Led by my mother who looked exasperated, we headed to the observation deck. The observation deck was a strange place where several plane enthusiasts were taking photos.
Perhaps because the sea was close, strong winds hit us frequently, and each time I clung to my mother to ward off the cold.
“It's that plane.”
The plane my mother pointed to was... a large jumbo jet carrying many people besides Kanade.
“...It's going to fly in just a bit.”
The plane carrying her moved along the runway. After two turns, the plane that had stopped once... suddenly roared and began to accelerate at a high speed.
The plane left the runway. It increased its altitude toward the cloudy sky.
The plane piercing through the clouds carried Kanade into the sky. It carried her to the sky, which was closer to heaven than the ground...
...It was then. Tears spilled from both my eyes.
Her departing into the sky was purely for treatment. To go to a foreign land and beat the illness that was eroding her there.
I should have understood that. ...I should have, but.
“Bye-bye... Kanade.”
At that time, I understood by intuition that Kanade and I would never meet again. ...Come to think of it.
'Good luck.'
When I sent those words of encouragement to Kanade in front of the departure gate earlier...
'...Fufu.'
She only smiled and gave me no reply.
She didn't say she would do her best...
She didn't say she would definitely come back...
...She didn't say anything to me.
Probably, she also vaguely understood. Her own time of death...
Our parting...
Because she is kind, she probably arranged it so she wouldn't give me unnecessary expectations.
“Thank you, Mom.”
While wiping my tears, I said my thanks to my mother.
“Thanks to you, I could see Kanade off.”
“...Atsushi.”
“When we get home, I’ll properly thank Dad too.”
...Thanks to my parents, I was able to see Kanade off properly. That's why I thought I should show proper courtesy.
However... in my heart, I was tormented by a helpless sense of powerlessness toward myself. Feeling an irritation similar to anger toward myself for not being able to save Kanade.
As I clenched my hands, my nails dug in and it was painful.
...Before I knew it, the plane that had flown into the sky was no longer visible.
And, we never fulfilled a reunion ever again.
...Was not the case.
The season was summer. Several years had passed since Kanade’s departure... and it was the year we turned fifteen.
...A transfer student arrived at the high school I attend.
That transfer student.
Had fair skin.
Had an outstanding figure.
With beautiful black hair fluttering...
And, unlike before, she wore a bottomlessly bright smile.
“I'm Kanade Ichinose! It's nice to meet you!”
A reunion after five years. Though there were traces of her past self, she had transformed so much that for a moment, I thought she was a different person.
“Whoa, she's super cute.”
“She's like a model...”
“Beautiful...”
She had grown into a beautiful lady who could instantly captivate all her classmates, regardless of gender.
Unintentionally, I also stared blankly at her standing in front of the blackboard, completely enchanted.
“Well then, Ichinose-san’s seat will be...”
As the teacher looked around the classroom...
“Teacher, the seat next to me is empty!”
“Here! It's empty over here too!”
“Hey, you go to a different class! This seat is Ichinose-san’s!”
My energetic classmates were getting worked up.
“Ahaha. Everyone's so energetic.”
Kanade watched the state of our energetic classmates with a smile, without even glancing at me.
...I was a little bit shocked. Even though it was our first reunion in a long time, Kanade didn't show any sign of noticing me.
“Well then, Ichinose-san’s seat will be over there.”
“Okay.”
“Alright!”
...But, I guess that can't be helped. Because she is that beautiful, and she already blends into this class more than me, who has already lived in this class for several months.
...She wouldn't have time to bother with a shadow-dweller like me at this point.
“Ichinose-san! Where did you transfer from?!”
That gloomy thought of mine...
“Ichinose-san! What's your favorite food?!”
...Became more solid as I watched my classmates surround her desk and bombard her with questions during every break.
“Rise, bow!”
And by the time the short homeroom at the end of the day finished, I had realized it.
“Ichinose-san! To deepen our friendship, do you want to go to a cafe or something after this?!”
“Ah! No fair! Ichinose-san, come with us!”
...It seemed that in these five years, a gap that couldn't be filled no matter how hard I tried had been created between her and me.
I chose to head home without exchanging a single word with Kanade. I took my bag that was hanging on the desk, stood up from my chair, and walked toward the door.
“...Ah!”
From within the cheerful voices coming from Kanade’s direction, I heard a voice that had noticed something.
The sound of indoor shoes.
“...Eh?”
The voices of the surprised surroundings.
“Wait, Ak-kun!”
Suddenly, my arm was grabbed. ...For a moment, not understanding what happened, I froze. In the classroom, which was now hit by a strange silence completely different from before, I slowly turned back toward the direction my arm was pulled.
...Standing there was.
“Geez! Why are you trying to go home first?”
It was Kanade.
“Let's go home together?”
...Thinking about it, this was our first conversation since our reunion.
"