For a while, we remained there, hugging each other in front of the international departure gate.
After about five minutes, the departing passengers, including some foreigners, began to cast curious glances our way.
“Kanade, let’s head back soon.”
I spoke to Kanade, who still had her face buried in my chest.
“Ak-kun... Ak-kun...”
However, Kanade was just rubbing her face against my chest and wasn't listening to me at all.
“Kanade, we’re going home.”
“Hiee...!”
When I forcibly pulled Kanade away from my chest, she jerked her body in surprise.
A somewhat strange atmosphere lingered around us.
“...L-let’s go home.”
“A-ah, yeah.”
Finally obtaining Kanade’s consent, we started our journey back.
Leaving the airport, we waited for a while at the subway platform and boarded the train that arrived.
“...It’s pretty empty.”
“The times when trains from the airport get crowded really depend on the time of day.”
I said as we sat down in the empty seats.
“Ak-kun, you really did frequent the airport, didn't you?”
Kanade sat down right next to me.
“Well, yeah.”
“You were looking forward to our reunion that much.”
“...I guess so.”
...Well, I feel like I didn't go there just for the reunion.
Going there also served as a way to discipline myself for my past helplessness.
“Ak-kun. Ak-kun.”
“...What?”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Eh?”
“There!”
Without even waiting for my answer, Kanade forcefully grabbed my hand.
“Ehehe. It’s warm.”
...This might be the first time I’ve seen Kanade so clearly elated since our reunion.
Before she poured her heart out at the airport, Kanade had been smiling, but... there was a bit of an indescribable pressure behind it.
“Ak-kun. Can I rest my head on your shoulder?”
“Eh?”
“There!”
I felt the warmth of Kanade’s head gently leaning against my right shoulder.
...However, her hair fell over my face, tickling my nose and making it a little itchy.
“...I'm so happy.”
...I heard Kanade’s ecstatic voice.
Happy, huh.
...I'm happy too.
Since I was able to reunite with my childhood friend whom I thought I’d never see again, and was able to make a bit of atonement for the past, no emotion other than happiness comes to mind.
...But, is it really okay for me to enjoy this happiness so simply?
“...Ak-kun?”
“Eh?”
“You have a difficult look on your face.”
Kanade, who had lifted her head from my shoulder at some point, spoke to me.
“...Could it be...”
The light began to fade from Kanade’s eyes...
“Did you hate me being so clingy?”
...I looked down.
“There’s no way that's true.”
I glanced at Kanade.
“Ehehe...”
Kanade’s face was the most relaxed and silly I had ever seen it.
“...It’s just, you know.”
“Just?”
“It’s just... at the place where I once parted with you, I was able to settle one of my past regrets.”
...I continued.
“In the end, I haven't really changed at my core, have I?”
On that day, I cursed my helpless self and vowed to become someone capable of achieving something as a form of self-discipline.
Until today, there hasn't been a single day where I neglected my efforts.
Even on days when I had a fever. Even when I had an upset stomach. No matter the circumstances, I lived my life pushing myself.
“Because I haven't achieved anything yet.”
Even though I’ve spent all this time devoted to self-improvement, there are no visible results.
“If I enjoy this happiness as I am now... won't I end up making you suffer again as a result?”
I was trapped by such a doubt... no, by fear.
“...Ak-kun.”
Kanade looked at me with sympathetic eyes.
“Ak-kun, don't you think your goals are just too high?”
“Eh?”
“Actually, if you’re saying you haven't achieved anything until now, I don't think that's true at all.”
It was a story that was hard to believe right away.
“I mean, Ak-kun. You’re ranked first in the academic tests for your grade, right? A normal person would be so full of themselves just with that.”
...How does Kanade, who just transferred, know that I’m ranked first in the academic tests?
“The point is, Ak-kun. Isn't the reason you always look so pained... because your goals are set so high that you can't feel a sense of achievement?”
“...A sense of achievement?”
“Yes. Because you don't get that sense of achievement, you always look pained, your self-evaluation is low, and you're undervalued by those around you, right?”
...I remained silent.
“Ufufu. Well, I know all the good things about you, Ak-kun, you know?”
Kanade happily rested her head on my shoulder again.
I slowly chewed over Kanade’s words in my mind.
Honestly, I thought her argument had a point.
To this day, I haven't been satisfied with my own results. Therefore, I feel like I have no results.
...I might be misunderstanding that I haven't achieved anything so far.
My goals are too high.
Certainly, if I lower my goals a little... I might find that there are at least a few things I’ve achieved until now.
...But, if I lower my goals here, won't I become complacent?
If I gain a sense of achievement and am released from this pain... won't that result in a great failure later on?
To tell the truth, I want to be released from this pain as soon as possible.
There aren't many people who want to taste pain forever.
『...Bye-bye.』
However, it’s also a fact that if what awaits as a result of lowering my goals is a tragedy, I feel it would be better to keep tasting this pain forever.
...What on earth should I do?
“Ak-kun.”
While still resting her head on my shoulder, she spoke to me in a gentle tone.
“Just lower your goals.”
“...Eh?”
“I won't disappear anymore.”
“...Ah.”
“In that case, Ak-kun. You don't need to push yourself anymore, do you?”
...I see.
“If you do that, we can be together forever, right?”
That’s certainly true.
“...Let’s give up on things like studying abroad and just stay together forever?”
Kanade wrapped her arms around my waist.
“Right? For the rest of our lives, until one of us dies. No... even after one of us dies... let’s be together forever.”
...Listening to Kanade’s sweet whisper.
“...I understand.”
My will became firm.
“I... won't lower my goals...!”
After a moment of silence...
“W-whaaaaaat!?”
Kanade looked at me with a flustered face.
“Certainly, if I lower my goals here, I’ll be released from this pain.”
“...Auh.”
“But if I do that, I’m sure I’ll just end up depending on you forever.”
“...Euh, euh.”
“I don't want that.”
“...Uuuu.”
“I want to be someone who can save you.”
That’s why... I won't lower my goals.
It’s precisely because I was given that sweet whisper by Kanade and realized my true feelings that I can declare this.
“Kanade, thank you. Thanks to you, I’ve woken up.”
“Ah... Ak-kun. That... um...”
The train arrived at the station nearest to my home.
“See you later, Kanade. I’m going to do my best.”
“...Ak-kun.”
I felt that Kanade’s voice, which I heard behind me, was unusually weak.