“Sorry for losing it.”
“No… it’s fine.”
Azuma-san, who had calmed down a bit, seemed to realize she had been unconsciously clutching my shirt.
“…Ah, sorry.”
She let go of it.
“It’s all wrinkled. Amane will definitely find out now,” she said with a bitter smile, gently patting the area to smooth out the creases.
“It’s okay. I’m wearing my blazer over it anyway.”
“What’s with that? You sound like a guy who’s used to cheating. It’s a bit unpleasant.”
“That’s a bit harsh…”
In the first place, regarding being with Azuma-san, there was nothing to 'find out' or hide. Since this was the Rock Club’s studio, the club president, Ichikawa, would naturally know the reservation schedule.
It wasn’t that. I just thought it would be better if Ichikawa—or anyone else, for that matter—didn't know that Azuma-san had been sobbing this hard.
“Right, I know. Thanks.”
Azuma-san, who read my thoughts with ease, continued.
“I decided I wouldn't shed tears until my dreams came true. How pathetic…”
She bit her lower lip.
“There’s nothing pathetic about it. Thanks to you, Azuma-san, I finally understood my own feelings too.”
It was always like this.
Azuma-san would brilliantly put my feelings into words and give them shape.
Whenever I read or heard her words, I realized that was exactly how I felt. I could find a place for my emotions to settle.
—For me, at least.
“What kind of feelings?”
Even though she should know with her mysterious mind-reading skill, Azuma-san tilted her head curiously.
“I probably didn’t expect that much from myself. No, rather…”
It was uncool and hard to say.
“I was pretending not to expect anything.”
“You were putting up a defense mechanism, then.”
She rephrased it into even simpler words.
Basically, it’s like saying 'I didn’t sleep much last night' or 'I might not give it my all' on the day of a mock exam or a fitness test. By saying 'I didn’t think it would go that well to begin with,' you soften the shock when things actually don’t go well by saying 'See, I told you.'
And that had worked perfectly. What a pathetic way to live.
“Ahaha, Konuma-kun, you’re unnecessarily smart. It’s not that you ‘lack confidence,’ but more like you’re ‘aware of your own limits,’ huh?”
“…I guess so.”
“Haa…” Azuma-san let out a sigh while keeping a faint smile.
“Which is better—expecting something from yourself and being so pained by the ‘disappointment,’ or not expecting anything and downward-adjusting your life to be ‘as expected’? It hurts so much that I honestly don’t know.”
Then, she once again tightly grabbed my upper arm, the spot she had just tried to smooth out.
“But listen, Konuma-kun. I’m not really in a position to say this right now, but… don’t be ‘aware of your limits’ like that. Because you are my protagonist.”
“The one I admire…”
“That’s right. For me,”
When she looked up, her expression was a bitter smile.
“While I was busy rhyming ‘aware’ with ‘despair,’ I missed out on grabbing things that might have been within my reach if I had just stretched a little further. That’s the kind of life I’ve lived.”
“Azuma-san…”
“Go on, go back to the classroom first.”
Her gentle hands pushed against my back.
“I’ll leave my complaints here. I decided that day I’d become the strongest. …Once I tie my shoelaces, I’ll catch up right away.”
In the end, I wasn’t able to be of any help. As I stepped out of the soundproof booth in the broadcasting room, I saw them.
“…Ah.”
“I told her we should stop. But this girl started crying and couldn't move from here.”
In the strange space by the entrance of the broadcasting room, under the window looking into the soundproof booth, stood the blonde junior, Airi Hirosue, making excuses in a low voice while narrowing her eyes awkwardly. And then—
“U-Uuu…”
The small animal-like junior, Tsubame Taira, was there with her face completely messed up from crying.
I urged the two of them with my eyes to stay crouched and head outside so that Azuma-san wouldn't notice, and we walked out into the hallway together.