<Author's Comment>
It's been a while.
Suddenly, this is the prequel to Measure 1 of the first song.
There is an announcement in the afterword, so please be sure to read until then.
“I did it...!”
In front of the PC, I take off my headphones and give a big stretch.
I finished a song that I wasn't going to let anyone hear.
Not just “wasn't going to let anyone hear”—in the first place, I couldn't let anyone hear it even if I wanted to.
Even so, I think the moment I listen to a track I've just finished is something special.
Just having something that was in my head take form right there gives me a sense of accomplishment that's hard to replace.
“It's a good song.” “That melody is great.” “I really came up with a good rhythm pattern.”
I praise myself as much as I can. I feel a little fulfilled.
I think it's stupid. But it can't be helped.
Since it's a song I can't let anyone hear, I'm the only one who can do this.
“Phew...”
Eventually, I exhale deeply and let my body fall onto the bed, looking up at the ceiling.
Perhaps because I was listening to the track at a high volume, a slight ringing lingers in my ears in the overly quiet night.
I don't really need to be recognized or praised by anyone.
I mean, if the moment I'm listening to it is the most fun, then there's not a shred of need to let anyone else hear it, right?
“...But,”
Suddenly, that conjunction spilled from my mouth.
But.
What if.
What if I could let someone hear the song I made once more?
And if, by some chance, I was praised or given warm words.
...If someone actually sought out my music.
How would that feel?
Would I be happy?
Would I be proud?
Would I be embarrassed?
Would it be ticklish?
Just kidding.
I think about such impossible things for a while, even though there's no point, and eventually, I come full circle and feel somewhat empty.
What kind of meaning is there in music that only comes out of my head and vibrates only my eardrums?
...What is it that I want to do?
I feel like I wanted to become someone. I feel like I was trying to become someone.
And I feel like I gave up on it early on.
『Hey, things that only you can do...』
Somewhere in the distance, separate from the ringing in my ears, I hear a single song by someone.
I closed my eyes, using that song—which I’ve heard so many times I don't even need to play the recording anymore—as a lullaby.
* * *
Despite it being late at night, I am sitting still in my room alone, clutching a guitar.
I try every day, and even though it doesn't go well at all, I still can't give up, so I try again today.
“...Alright.”
Maybe today is the day I can do it.
I somehow stir up the 1% of hope that is mixed in with about 99% resignation, and I stand up.
I swallow my saliva and gently swing my right hand, holding the pick, downward.
C. G. C.
I take a deep breath.
『Hey, things that only you can do...』
...Haa.
As I thought, this is the limit for what I can turn into sound.
Dismayed, I look at the lyric sheet placed in front of me.
Even though I’m the one who supposedly wrote these lyrics, they don't feel real at all, as if I’m wondering who could have said such a thing.
...Did I really ever feel this way?
* * *
It's nothing but painful things, nothing but hurting things
I want to throw today away
But maybe, just maybe
Among the crowd of six billion people, just a single grain
To me, who can't become anyone
To the person who would say, “I'm glad you were here”
Someday, I might be able to meet them
* * *
Does such a person really exist?
If I could really meet them with a probability of one in six billion, would I be able to make such a miracle happen?
“But,”
The word spilled from my mouth.
If I met such a person, how would that feel?
How would my heart move, what color would the scenery become, and what kind of face would the world show me?
If such a miracle happened and I met such a person, at that time...
...I want to convey the feelings I have at that moment, putting them on my own melody, with my own voice.
* * *
I get into bed and try to close my eyes.
As expected, my expectations were betrayed, and I still can't fall asleep today.
For over a year now, the nights where I can't fall asleep immediately have continued.
The reason is clear. It's not simple, but it's clear.
It's because there's always something I end up thinking about.
I still regret the words I spat out back then as a result of jealousy.
The future that diverged on that day, and the paths that I and that person took.
My cheeks, which were supposed to have stopped smiling by my own will, had before I knew it become the corners of a mouth that simply couldn't smile anymore.
This is the punishment I have imposed upon myself.
“But,”
If I could talk about music with him once more.
If I could make sounds with him once more.
If we could do fireworks once more, and look at fireworks.
If we could laugh out loud together once more.
How enviable would that be?
I am relentlessly jealous from the bottom of my heart of my imaginary self, of the self from my black-haired days.
I really wish it would be like that, I thought.
Instead of being able to fall asleep, I was just dreaming intently.
* * *
I tap the screen of my smartphone, which is firmly locked, again today.
One piece on the morning train.
One piece on the train home.
And one piece before going to bed.
It's my habit to write a total of three sets of lyrics every day.
It's been my habit since the day I encountered that music.
I type in the characters, one by one, that no one will see and will reach no one.
What will come of doing this?
Even though I'm making them and calling them lyrics, a song has never been attached to them.
“But,”
...Maybe someday, a person who will put the best music to them will appear.
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My Lyrics (Songs)
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『But』 (Demo)
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Monday - 00:01 comments(0) - by Yuri Azuma
Inside the closed door, sitting with knees hugged
Humming a song that reaches no one
So that I don't hurt anyone, and so that I'm not hurt by anyone
Inside the unlocked door, sitting with knees hugged
I almost lifted my hips but stopped after all
So that I don't hurt anyone, and so that I'm not hurt by anyone
Surely the outside air will stick prickingly to my skin
Becoming frostbite, becoming a burn
It would surely hurt a lot
“But” I want to go out, if it's something important
“But” I don't want to go out, if it's going to hurt
“But” I want to try going out, I want to know things I don't know
“But” I can't go out, things I don't know are scary
I'm just returning to where I was with an even number of “Buts”
While covered in excuses, what I really want
Is the courage to push through at least one more time,
the 5th “But”
With just that, maybe,
I might even be able to change the world
With just that, at the very least,
I might be able to change my life
————————————————
* * *
The next morning.
I woke up being scolded by my smartphone alarm.
A towel blanket is over my stomach, even though I should have fallen asleep without covering myself with anything.
My little sister probably put it on me.
I take a shower, change into my school uniform, and open the door to my house with my leather shoes still loose on my feet.
My footsteps are heavy as I head to school, which isn't particularly fun or anything today either.
I put my Bluetooth headphones over my ears and look for the song I made yesterday.
Today, too, a weekday with no change at all will probably open its curtains.
After confirming that the Bluetooth is firmly connected, I gently tap with my thumb to play.
『DEMO / Takuto Konuma』
<Author's Comment>
And so.
This time, “I, a Bedroom Musician Loner, Will Become a Ghostwriter for That Genius Beautiful Girl <Remastered Edition>” (a slightly modified version of the first song) has received the “Excellence Award” at the 26th Sneaker Grand Prize!
I am truly honored. Thank you very much.
So, “Bedroom Musician Loner” is finally becoming a long-awaited book.
I am very much looking forward to being able to meet readers I haven't been able to meet before.
This work is a very important piece for me, one that I have been able to keep writing thanks to everyone who supported me and looked forward to it.
To everyone so far, thank you very, very much.
And this is by no means the goal, but I think it's a new starting line.
I will do my best with all my soul, more than ever before, so that it can reach as many people as possible.
And I hope that once it reaches them, it can make someone's life even just a little bit better.
I would be more than happy if you would continue to accompany me from now on.
Please look forward to it.