* * *
While changing before club activities.
Takuto Konuma: [I'm going to Mac with Erina-san after club. We're meeting at the school bus stop once club is over.]
Sako Hasu: [Got it. Then I'll 'happen' to pass by there.]
Just as I sent the LINE and put my phone down—
"Hey, Sakosh."
My eyes widened at that voice.
Erina, who had been avoiding me for the past two weeks, suddenly spoke to me on her own, right on the day we were planning to confront her.
"Erina's going to Mac with Takuto-kun today, so..."
"Eh, ah, yeah..."
I couldn't say I already knew that, so my response ended up sounding awkward and panicked.
"Ahaha, that reaction is just like Takuto-kun's."
"...Shut up."
Because she hit the nail on the head, I managed to regain a bit of my usual attitude.
"...So, Erina won't be all alone, okay?"
"...What do you mean by that?"
"Um, how do I put it... anyway, it's fine! See ya!"
With that, she left the changing room and headed toward the multipurpose room.
After finishing club activities while wondering about Erina’s sudden approach, I headed toward the school bus stop after a short while.
As planned, Erina was sitting all by herself on the bench at the school bus stop.
Of course she was; the final school bus had already departed.
Even so, seeing her faithfully waiting for Takuto made me think she was kind of cute, despite the situation.
"Erina."
When I called out to her, Erina looked up.
"Sakosh...? Geez, I told you I was with Takuto-kun today..."
She sighed with a troubled look on her face.
"Then, can I stay with you until Takuto comes?"
"...Hmph."
Taking that ambiguous sound as a sign of agreement, I softly sat down beside her.
"Hey, Erina..."
I started to speak but hesitated.
There were so many things I wanted to say.
I wondered what kind of words Yurisuke would use. I wondered how Ichikawa-san would convey it.
If it were Takuto... he'd probably be the same as me.
I'm not good at complicated phrasing or being roundabout.
"Hey, Erina. I want us to walk home together again."
I told her straight out.
But Erina—
"Erina... doesn't want to."
"..."
I didn't think she would tell me 'no' so directly.
"...Why?"
"...Because, when I'm with you, I end up hating myself. I'll end up hating you, Sakosh..."
Erina answered while looking down, refusing to face me.
She was trying not to meet my eyes, trying not to look at my face.
Erina says she’s become able to read my expressions, but I think I can understand hers too.
This is a lie.
Surely, it's a kind lie, typical of Erina.
"Hey, Erina. I want to be with you. I want us to laugh together, and I want us to cry together."
I felt like I heard the sound of Erina clenching her teeth.
"Even if you say that, Sakosh, your face doesn't move at all..."
"Hey, do you really think so?"
At the rising intonation of my voice, Erina suddenly looked at me.
"Sakosh...!?"
In that moment, she gasped.
Tears were spilling uncontrollably from both of my eyes.
Even if I knew it was a lie.
Even if I knew it was a lie probably meant for my sake.
I suppose I'll never be able to get used to words that reject being together for as long as I live.
"Sakosh, what's wrong!?"
"Because, Erina... you said you didn't want to make up with me...!"
"S-Sorry, Sakosh, that's not it...!"
Looking truly distressed, Erina started flustering about.
"That's not it...?"
When I asked, Erina bit her lip.
"Because, because...!"
After hesitating for a while, she gripped her skirt tightly.
And then, finally, she told me the truth.
"If Erina is with you, then you and Kenji can never be happy...!"
"Erina, why would you..."
I swallowed a breath that had already become painful.
"Because it's definitely better if you two end up liking each other. But if Erina is there, Kenji will hold back for Erina's sake. Even if you come to realize you like Kenji in the future, you'd try to act like those feelings didn't exist, wouldn't you, Sakosh...?"
Erina gripped her skirt even harder as she continued.
"Erina probably did something she shouldn't have done. I've regretted it so much until now, but regretting it doesn't mean anything... So, I thought I had to at least make things better from now on... If I've realized that romance is out of the question, then there's only love left..."
"Why do you always have to be like that, Erina...!"
Damn it, I can't find the words.
My throat is choked up, and my voice won't come out.
Because back then, Erina was the one who validated me.
She said this blonde hair and that terrible behavior were all part of who I am now.
And yet, and yet.
"Why, Erina..."
Why are you regretting what you did?
"Sakosh...?"
It wouldn't become a voice; it wouldn't become words.
I silently rummaged through my bag, pulled out my phone and earphones, and held them out to Erina.
"What is it...?"
"...Just take it."
I managed to force those words out and forced the earphones into Erina's ears.
Feeling I had no choice but to rely on this, I pressed the play button.
It was just a practice recording, but even so.
I wanted her to hear the song meant for her.
* * *
『Charm』
That day you flipped the world upside down
With just a single word
From the bottom of my heart
I thought you were so cool
You will surely continue
To capture my gaze from here on
From the pit of my stomach
I laughed, knowing I couldn't compete
Receiving a share of that courage
Spinning a thread from there
Knitting it vertically and horizontally
Look, a song was born
It might not be of much use
But surely, as much as you think of that person
I love you
Though what that means is a secret
If you would then say, "What's that?"
And laugh like you always do
If it makes your heart even a little warmer
I'd be so happy I'd cry
Hey, just for that, I'm glad I told you
That day you flipped the world upside down
For someone else's sake
From the bottom of my heart
I prayed for your happiness
Borrowing that resolve
Spinning those words
Knitting them with care
Look, a song was born
It might not be of any help
But surely, as much as you think of that person
I love you
Though what that means is a secret
If you would then say, "What's that?"
And laugh like you always do
If it makes your heart look forward even a little
That person must feel the same way
Look, just for that, I'm glad I told you
Sing when it's painful
If it becomes the strength for your usual smile
If it makes your heart even a little warmer
I'd be so happy I'd cry
Hey, I'm truly glad I could fall in love with you
Sorry it got so long
With all the feelings and all the prayers I have
I knitted them together
And made this charm
If you'd like
Please keep just this song by your side
Please keep at least this song by your side
* * *
The song must have ended.
Drops of water trickled from her eyes as Erina removed the earphones.
"It's a good song...!"
With my breathing finally steady after those four or five minutes of the song, I began to speak softly.
"Hey, Erina. You're the one who told me."
"Told you what...?"
A similar scenery had been stretched out before us that day too.
『Sakosh, in the end, you think you're all alone, don't you?』
『You think that, ultimately, it's fine as long as you endure it by yourself, don't you?』
『You think it's cool to kill your smiles and tears and act like nothing happened, don't you?』
『You are cool, Sakosh.』
『That part of you is really cool. It’s cool, but, Sakosh...』
I softly conveyed it to her.
"You don't have to be cool, Erina."
Erina's eyes wavered at those words.
"Erina isn't cool at all...! It's not like that, it's just, if I don't do this...! Everyone won't be happy, so someone has to...! It can't be helped, right...!?"
At those words, what Takuto had said flashed through my mind.
『Um... I really don't want Sako to have to say "it can't be helped" so much.』
That's right, Takuto.
But still.
"You're right, there are so many things that can't be helped, Erina."
I've lived my life using those words as an excuse for a long time.
"Maybe it can't be helped that you're avoiding me, Erina."
I swallowed things down one by one, telling myself there was nothing I could do.
"It can't be helped that I like Takuto."
I gave up on things one by one, telling myself it was the only way.
"It can't be helped that Takuto likes Ichikawa-san."
I've lived making excuses, telling myself it was fate.
"And Erina, the fact that you like Kenji is...?"
"It can't be helped, right?"
Erina looked up and bit her lip painfully.
"Then, the fact that Kenji still likes Sakosh is...?"
"...Yes, it can't be helped."
However.
If that is what they call fate.
If they say 'it has to be this way' or 'there's no other choice.'
"Right..."
Then I'll just have to take that thing called fate and flip it on its head.
"And also, Erina."
So I put on my most confident smile.
To tell her the ultimate fact that I hadn't voiced even once until now.
"The fact that I love you so much, Erina, is also something that can't be helped."