＊ ＊ ＊
『What was the most painful month of your life so far?』
If I were asked that, I would answer "April of my first year in high school" without hesitation.
The reason is simple.
My relationship with my best friend of ten years had been severed just before that, in March, due to my own slip of the tongue.
During March, since I wasn't forced to see that "former" best friend, I had some faint, futile hopes. I thought things like, "Maybe the fallout was just my imagination," or "Maybe we'll be back to normal the next time we meet." But in April, when I started going to the same high school and was able to see her face, I was confronted with the reality that our split was definitive.
On top of that, even the girl who was the indirect cause of it all had miraculously advanced to the same high school.
My dyed blonde hair seemed to have an "intimidation" effect at Musashino International High School, which was a fairly decent prep school.
It wasn't that it was prohibited by school rules, and if you looked at the second or third-year students, there were a fair number of people dressed flashy. Even so, there were no other new students who dyed their hair blonde almost at the same time as the entrance ceremony.
Neither the boys nor the girls in class would speak to me.
I suppose they were following the adage of "wise men keep away from danger."
And in my class, there was one more girl.
In the opposite direction from me, there was a girl who was treated as if everyone were walking on eggshells around her.
＊ ＊ ＊
＊ ＊ ＊
A gray blackboard in the classroom.
Gray greenery outside the window.
Looking up, a gray blue sky.
What flickered in my vision was the gray blonde hair growing from my own head.
Though I was given a window seat during the seat change right after entering school, I thought it was meaningless.
The clock read 12:30. It was a gray midday.
Despite having graduated from compulsory education, about three weeks had passed since I started forcing myself to attend high school out of a mere sense of obligation.
During that time, the only words I had uttered were a small murmur of my name during the initial self-introduction and the single word "What...?" that escaped me when I spotted that girl in the hallway—maybe only two times in total.
I truly felt from the bottom of my heart that the world was meaningless.
Everything that entered my eyes didn't matter.
That's why dyeing my hair blonde was the right choice.
If nobody spoke to me, I wouldn't have to involve myself with anyone.
The long, long three years ahead, which felt dizzying just to think about—thanks to my blonde hair, I might be able to survive them without getting involved with anyone or hurting anyone.
While thinking or not thinking about such things, I washed down a tasteless rice ball with tasteless jasmine tea.
"Alright!"
Suddenly, I heard such a monologue from my right. Following that, the sound of music leaking from headphones—chaka-chaka.
In the corner of my vision, something was moving back and forth, fluttering and flickering, which was annoying.
Almost at the same time, the area around the classroom entrance suddenly became noisy.
"Princess Erina is cute after all..." "She has a lot of Instagram followers, right?" "I wonder if she'd date me if I confessed..." "Nah, she's for ornamental use only..."
It wasn't that I was interested, but I turned my gaze that way just to check if those flickering movements would cause me any harm. Sitting in the seat next to me was a girl with an exceptionally well-featured face.
Apparently, she was in the middle of memorizing choreography while watching a dance video or something. She was enthusiastically fluttering her hands.
The song leaking from her headphones was one I knew well.
"Whoa, Hasu-san looks angry..." "Isn't this bad? Uh, should someone warn her?" "No, but if you make Erina-chan mad, there's no telling what she'll do..." "But even Hasu-san..."
This time, the masses in the classroom were saying something.
I wasn't particularly angry. I didn't care. And yet, why was it decided that I was angry?
Does being blonde make people think that way just because you're looking at someone for a moment? It's a double-edged sword, I thought, sighing in my heart, when—
"...Hey!"
The girl who was watching the video until just now was looking at me with a happy expression.
"Your fingers are keeping the rhythm of this song!"
"...Eh?"
I spoke for the first time in a while.
More importantly, what's with "those fingers"? When I looked at my own right hand that the girl was pointing at—
"Ah..."
Unconsciously, I had been moving my right fingers and tapping the desk to the bassline of the song leaking from her headphones.
So that sounded like the sound of irritation and made the classmates scared.
"Hey, I'm sure that's it! I used to play piano, so I can tell those things. Isn't that amazing?"
"...Shut up."
I spat that out and looked forward. Because I had spoken twice in a row for the first time in ages, my voice was a bit raspy.
"Erina loves this song~"
...Even though I had cut the conversation short, that girl kept talking to me without a care.
In the first place, she probably doesn't even consider the possibility that she's a nuisance to someone by talking to them. She's the type that people like me or "her" are worst at dealing with.
And girls like this say "I love it" so easily.
I can't trust the "I love it" of a girl like this.
This kind of girl scatters "I love it," "Cute," and "Precious" onto everything.
And if you were to retort, "You say that about everything, don't you?" she would probably come back with some crap logic like,
『Eh? But isn't life more fun if you have more things you like?』
Something that can be called "love" based on such reasoning, something that can control emotions in such a way, couldn't possibly be true "love."
Because, if you could choose whether to "love" or "not love" based on that kind of reason...
Then I would have abandoned "love" long ago, and I shouldn't have to feel this much pain.
Wait, in the first place.
"...What's 'Erina'?"
"That was a long pause...? Erina is Erina though...?"
After pointing at her own face, she placed her index finger on her lips and tilted her head. Ugh, every single one of those calculated gestures is annoying.
"Ah, the kanji?"
Without me even asking, the girl started writing the kanji for her name in the air.
"Let's see, the 'Ei' for English, the 'Ri' for hometown, and the 'Na' for Nara! Because Ei is in the Ri!"
"...What about 'Na'?"
...I should have ignored her, but I accidentally followed up on the insufficient explanation.
"Hmm, I wonder? My Papa said the name 'Erina' was taken from a Beatles song, but... what was it again...?"
Even though it was her own name, she started groaning "hmm."
"Hmm, hey, hey, do you know it?"
"..."
I'm really stopping this. I shouldn't get involved any further. I'll ignore her.
Just as I was about to change my posture to lie face down on the desk and feign sleep—
That girl said something outrageous.
"Well, I guess you wouldn't know the Beatles... they're kind of old-fashioned..."
"Hey."
I glared at the girl almost reflexively.
"Hmm...?"
She tilted her head as if she felt nothing.
"Don't ever say the Beatles are old-fashioned again, you stupid girl."
"Stu—Stupid girl!?"
"Shut up and be quiet. Stupidity is contagious."
Don't look down on the Beatles.
If the Beatles hadn't existed, the song you just claimed to love wouldn't exist either.
And besides.
The Beatles' 『1』 was the first CD I ever borrowed from "her."
"I—I'm not going to talk to you anymore!"
"I told you to shut up."
Receiving my response, the stupid girl stood up and left the classroom.
Another girl, who seemed to have seen the whole exchange, timidly approached me while I remained in my seat.
"Um, Hasu-san."
"...What?"
What's with this person? Why is she trying to involve herself with me?
"It might be better not to provoke Erina-chan. Look, Erina-chan is the only one with a tie color the same as the third-years, right? Apparently Erina-chan has a boyfriend among the third-year seniors, and if you get on his radar, it'll be trouble..."
"What—"
I was about to follow up with "What's that supposed to mean?" but I stopped after seeing the girl's face.
While other classmates were keeping their distance, deciding on bystanderism and indifference, she had gone out of her way to come and advise me.
I truly didn't care about the content of the advice, but it's not like I wanted to hurt people any more than this.
I just didn't want to have a connection with anyone, in any form.
"...Sorry. Thank you."
"...Not at all!"
Smiling with relief, the girl stepped away.
The next morning.
"Tch."
Clicking my tongue, I pushed aside the annoying people crowding around the door and entered the classroom.
For about three weeks since entering school, day in and day out, small crowds of people from first to third year—regardless of grade or gender—gathered in front of my class every morning and lunch break without getting bored.
I don't know what they were coming to see, but it was just a nuisance.
As I hung my bag on the side of the desk and sat down roughly, I heard the sound of a chair being pulled back on my right—Gatan.
"Hey."
"...What?"
In the direction of the voice, the stupid girl from yesterday was standing with her arms crossed.
"Would you mind coming with me for a bit?"