To those tears, to that smile, what can I do?
On the train ride home, I crossed my arms and closed my eyes.
“Erina, I might not be able to take it anymore…!”
In the end, Erina-san had buried her face in my shoulder for only a few seconds. When she looked up, that bitter, fake smile was plastered back onto her face.
“...Ehehe, just kidding! Takuto-kun, it would be a disaster if someone saw us like that! ...I’m sorry, Takuto-kun…”
Then, Erina-san simply muttered, “I have to go now,” and started walking toward the station.
From that moment until now, having reached the station without even knowing what words to say and waving goodbye, I’ve been thinking about only one thing.
In the first place, it might be presumptuous of me to even think I can do something.
Thinking that I should do something might be a mistake in itself.
I’m just Erina-san’s ordinary ‘Friend O,’ and if anything, I’m in the position of dating that Ichikawa Amane.
But, even so.
If I choose to spend my time leaving Erina-san’s smile as it is, I’m sure I’ll lose the ability to believe in myself.
If I let her keep saying, ‘If this was going to happen, the regret of not doing it would have been better,’ and if I don't take any measures to bring back that mischievous smile, I won't be able to forgive myself for calling myself Ichikawa Amane's boyfriend.
Words like ‘Don’t push yourself’ were completely useless.
Erina-san knew that better than anyone, and yet she kept doing her best at the edge for the sake of someone else's happiness. That was surely her philosophy and her conviction.
In my ears, ‘Boat,’ the song I gave to Erina-san during the training camp and the school festival, kept playing on repeat.
* * *
For example, even the waterfowls that glide across the surface with a cool face
Are struggling with their feet underneath
Just like beneath the surface of your always kind smile
There is surely a ‘truth’ hidden there
For example, just like the very first moment you row a boat
Is when the paddle feels the heaviest
No matter how many times you sit down
I wonder how much strength you’re really putting in
To stand back up again
That boat famous for making couples break up if they ride it
Every time on the way home, I tightly clasp my hands and pray
“May you, who acts so tough, be properly rewarded someday”
The things I really want to say are the ones I can’t say
Clenching my teeth and biting my lower lip
If you’re afraid of the emotions that take shape when put into words
I’ll pretend not to notice
That your forced smiling face is actually very cool
That boat famous for making couples break up if they ride it
Every time on the way home, I tightly clasp my hands and pray
“May you, who acts so tough, be able to show your true face somewhere”
The more painful it is, the more you stand your ground
Sighing in a place where no one is around
If you’re afraid of the emotions that take shape when put into words
I’ll pretend not to notice
That seeing you laugh from the bottom of your heart makes me happy
Both “Do your best” and “It’ll be okay” are irresponsible, and there’s little I can say
But I hope you won’t forget
That there’s at least one person right here who is on your side
* * *
Really, how many times will I be overwhelmed and taught by her? And how many times will I end up feeling exasperated with myself?
She wants to respect even the will of a person who is pushing themselves and give them a push including that. She’s many steps ahead of the single ‘Don’t push yourself’ that I said earlier. Did she really write this in middle school…?
In short, my mere words are not enough. They can’t reach her.
Then, what should I give to Erina-san? How can I bring that smile back?
At the very least, I wish Erina-san had someone she could rely on at any time.
The maximum ‘relying’ that lying little devil who always pushes herself could do was probably resting her forehead on someone’s shoulder for just a few seconds when things are truly painful. She probably wouldn't allow herself to place any more burden than that on others.
Even for someone like her, someone she could rely on to her heart's content when it's painful, someone who would rush to support her and make everything okay. Someone who won't be hurt or feel burdened no matter how much she cries to them, someone with whom the relationship won't change, and someone who would put her mind at ease.
I wish such a presence existed for Erina-san.
And I had one idea of what such a presence could be.
Once it came to mind, it was a cliché answer, and I knew from the start that there was nothing else I could do anyway.
Even so, I have actually been saved by it many times before.
Just like ‘My Song’ was for me, I’m sure.
“We will soon be arriving at Ichinatsu Town Station.”
The train doors opened, and I took a step forward.
“Sorry, Ichikawa.”
Even so, I’ve decided.
For the first time in my life, I have solidified my resolve to create music for someone else.
That is.
Music to make Erina-san smile.
“Welcome back, Takkun. You’re late, aren’t you? Yuzu already ate dinner alone.”
“Yeah.”
As soon as I got home, I went straight to my room.
“Whoa, is he in the ‘zone’ today? It’s always so sudden… and always on the days when it’s just me and Yuzu…”
I closed the door, picked up my guitar, and sat on the bed.
I’ve decided to make music for Erina-san.
But what should I convey?
If it’s just to affirm and support her ‘forced smile,’ then amane’s ‘Boat,’ which I’ve already performed for Erina-san, would probably be best.
But I realized that’s not all.
I probably want to say “That’s not true” to those words she lonely muttered: ‘This feeling itself was a mistake.’
I don’t want her to think that the love she held onto so dearly, even while being so messed up and covered in mud, was a ‘mistake.’
It might be my ego. There’s a huge possibility that it’s none of my business.
Even so, those words will surely affirm Erina-san herself.
“Alright then, let’s do this.”
I whispered softly, like a certain someone before starting an ensemble, and tried playing a few chords.
But.
“Well, it’s not ringing out, is it…”
I knew it would be like this.
Usually, at this moment when the feelings I want to convey are solidified, my fingers would play the emotions exactly as they are, vibrating my eardrums. That’s how the development usually goes.
But it won’t go like it did before.
“What kind of sound will get the message across?”
It’s probably because I was thinking about that for the first time.
Until now, I had only been converting what was inside me into sound as if I were shouting or screaming. It was music only for conveying my own thoughts, so as long as the sound in my head matched the sound that came out, that was enough.
But this song is different.
This song has no meaning unless it reaches Erina-san.
In the first place, when I think about it, I think it’s presumptuous to believe that sound alone can convey everything.
If Erina-san just listened to a song I made, it would probably be gibberish to her.
Thinking that way, maybe I’m making this song to convey my thoughts to that overly perceptive lyricist.
By having Azuma translate this sound, having Sako play the bass, and then having Ichikawa sing it, it will finally become music that can be conveyed.
How dependent on others am I? A wry smile escaped me.
On my own, I can’t even put a single person’s heart at ease.
But I don't care about that anymore.
Because the four of us are one sound.
Having cleared my mind, I dived into the depths of my consciousness to create the foundation.
I searched for sounds one by one, searched for phrases, picked them up, and dove back in again.
When I tried to piece them together, they were inconsistent or mixed with impurities, so sometimes I threw away everything I had gathered and started over.
The sounds I carefully placed one by one eventually took the form of a song.
Still, it wasn’t finished.
I layered the instruments.
I paid attention to everything—the timing of the drums, the guitar phrases—and even performed the rests, layering them on top of each other.
So that it would reach her even a little bit, and so that it would be of even a little help.
One by one, I spun them together carefully.
And finally, one song was completed.
“Phew…”
After first sending an email to one person, I looked up at the clock.
“Again…”
The hands were pointing to 4:00 AM.
This is the usual pattern, isn’t it…
“...Ah.”
Suddenly remembering, I hurriedly took out my smartphone which I had left in my bag.
“Whoa…”
On the screen were five unread notifications from ‘Amane.’
Thinking back, I hadn't looked at my phone once since I left school after parting with the other three.
“This is bad…”
While trembling with fear, I unlocked the screen and the messages appeared one by one.
Amane: ‘Konuma-kun, are you okay?’ 20:34
Amane: ‘[Missed Call]’ 23:04
Amane: ‘Goodnight—’ 23:06
Amane: ‘Idiot’ 1:20
“She’s mad…”
I really neglected her too much, didn't I…
I kept Ichikawa, who usually goes to sleep by twelve, awake until 1:20 AM.
‘Takuto-kun, don’t get too spoiled, okay? Amane-chan isn’t an angel, after all.’
No, that’s exactly right…
And then.
Reading the bottom line, the latest message, I ended up bowing deeply toward Kichijoji.
Amane: ‘Good luck, Takuto-kun’ 2:14
Just as I raised my head and sighed, the phone rang despite it being early morning.
“Hello…?”
“Hello, good morning.”
“Ah… good morning. Were you awake?”
“Don’t ‘Were you awake?’ me. You, sending a demo again at this hour… What time do you think it is?”
“No, that’s why I sent it by email…”
Having learned from several past complaints of ‘I woke up because of you,’ I had sent it via PC email which doesn't have notifications.
“I’ve set it so that I get push notifications for emails from Konuma.”
“Eh, why…?”
“...It’s nothing, forget it. I’m half-asleep right now, so I said something that isn’t true.”
“Huh?”
“A-Anyway!”
Cutting off my suspicious voice, she raised her own.
“...I listened to the song.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“Well, I have plenty of things I want to say, but I’ll save those for tomorrow…”
I could tell somehow from her tone.
On the other side of the phone, she was surely wearing a daring smile, the kind she hadn't shown since the Instrumental Club’s performance.
“I’ve received the baton. Leave the rest to me.”