—————————— kiss?
It was about a minute later when Ichikawa-san, who had frozen so completely I thought time had stopped, finally managed to squeeze out a voice.
The way her voice cracked felt satisfyingly good.
—Yes, a kiss. And a first kiss at that.—
—Um... sorry, I’m really confused, or rather... uh, what do you mean? I mean, when...? Oh, like when you were little kids playing around! That’s what it is, right...?—
—No.—
I shook my head.
—Oh, then maybe it was an indirect kiss that Sako-san is over-interpreting? Is it something like that?—
—It's not, though...—
I know she’s shaken, but honestly, she's being a bit too rude...
—Then...?—
—It was last month. A genuine, certified first kiss.—
—H-Haa... last month, you say...—
Ichikawa-san’s legs seemed to give out, and she slumped down on the spot. ...Hey, you shouldn't be losing your strength in a place like this.
—That was, um, with Konuma-kun's consent too, right...?—
—...—
She hit a slightly painful spot, so I exercised my right to remain silent.
—Huh? Um, then, Sako-san, are you dating Konuma-kun...?—
—...We’re not dating.—
But I answered that important part clearly. Hiding it would go against my purpose.
—I told you, even though I kissed him, he still doesn’t really get it.—
—Oh, I see... Eh, how can he not get it after that?!—
In a completely different direction from before, Ichikawa-san furrowed her brows with a face that said she couldn't keep up with the logic.
—I know, right...—
Well, the feelings I put into it weren't meant that way anyway, so it's fine.
—So, Ichikawa-san.—
I put strength into my stomach so my voice wouldn't tremble and unleashed my trump card question.
—How do you feel right now?—
When I questioned her from a superior position as she sat slumped there, Ichikawa-san looked up at me, puffed out her cheeks cutely, and said:
—...I feel really terrible.—
She really is an honest person to the core.
I wonder why I feel a sense of kinship, or even a bit of admiration, for that side of her.
Maybe it's because she and that guy grew up in similar environments, so they ended up resembling each other in ways they can't help.
...Sigh.
If I say this, I might not be able to turn back anymore.
It's scary, it's agonizing, it hurts.
Even so.
I won't lose sight of what's truly important anymore.
—...Isn't Takuto feeling the exact same way?—
—...!—
Ichikawa-san’s eyes widened.
—Because Takuto feels the same way as the lyrics you just sang, he's gotten moody, and now he doesn't know what to do with himself, right?—
—Sako-san, does that mean...—
As I stared straight into her eyes, the clever Ichikawa-san seemed to realize what I wanted to say without me having to spell it out.
She tightened her lips and nodded slowly.
Finally realized it, have you? Finally learned your lesson?
—In front of Shin-Koganei Station.—
I told her, almost spitting the words out.
—Eh...?—
—Takuto is there.—
—But, Sako-san, are you really okay with that...?—
Ichikawa-san’s eyes wavered.
—Hey, Ichikawa-san, you told me before, didn’t you?—
—What...?—
That day when we realized my tweets had been hurting Ichikawa-san.
—’You know, I was holding back a little until just now, but from today on, I’m serious.’—
Ichikawa-san definitely said it in my ear after I had fled to the stairs leading to the rooftop.
—'I'm going to be Sako-san's love rival, so be prepared.'—
—That was...! That was because...—
—Someone who isn't prepared to fight wouldn't declare war, right?—
I cut off Ichikawa-san's words and continued.
I know. I know that was just a convenient excuse used to cancel out my guilt.
But that's exactly why I can't let her say that out loud.
I quietly clenched my fist so she wouldn't notice.
—Besides, I’m actually not that interested in dating Takuto.—
—Is that... so...?—
She had a face that looked like she couldn't keep up with the conversation.
—What I’m aiming for is something more essential, or rather, what lies beyond that.—
—Beyond that...?—
—I want to be with Takuto forever.—
I found myself imagining how wonderful that would be and smiled only inside my head. To my absolute limit.
—That's why I'm going to marry Takuto.—
I glanced at Ichikawa-san, who was still tilting her head with a dumb look on her face, and continued.
—...High school girlfriends always end up breaking up anyway, so just hurry up and date him and then hurry up and break up.—
Ah, this is bad. My clenched fist is shaking. Maybe I'm reaching my limit. The red lamp is flashing like a siren.
The mask is about to peel off.
—Look, just get out of here already.—
I quietly picked up the drumsticks lying on the drums and held them out to the slumped Ichikawa-san.
Like a baton connecting something.
—Sako-san, I...!—
I think it's because it's you that I can entrust this to.
—It's okay.—
And then, hiding my other fist behind my back and making sure she wouldn't notice, I pulled up the corners of my mouth and forced a smile.
—Ichikawa-san, you can do it.—
Ichikawa-san nodded, took the sticks from my hand, and ran out of the studio.
I watched Ichikawa-san as she ran away.
That said, I can't let myself explode here. If the last teacher on patrol found me, that would be the worst.
If I let go even a little, I'll probably break down. I pretended to be more expressionless than usual and went out through the entrance.
If I go toward Shin-Koganei Station now, I’ll run into those two. I'll go home by bus today, I thought, and headed toward the main gate where the bus stop was.
There, a single silhouette was leaning against the gate.
—...I told you to go home first.—
—Mooore with the salty response~ Is everyone from Sakosh's hometown like this~?—
She came closer with a silly grin.
—...Not really. Anyway, what about Kenji?—
—I had him go home first~?—
—Why?—
—Nooo reason!—
—Whatever.—
...I don’t want to see anyone right now.
I walked past Erina toward the bus stop.
And then.
I was suddenly hugged tightly from behind.
I was forced to stop walking.
—...What?—
—You know, Sakosh.—
Then, she gently patted my head.
—Sakosh, deep down, you think you're all alone in the end, don't you?—
—...!—
At Erina's words and the sensation of her hand sliding through my hair, I hurriedly swallowed and suppressed the thing that was about to surge up.
—You think that in the end, it's fine as long as you endure it alone, right?—
While I couldn't even speak in order to hold it in, Erina continued.
—You think it’s cool to kill your smiles and tears and act like nothing happened, right?—
—Cool... nothing like that...—
—You are cool, Sakosh.—
My attempt to deny it was gently but firmly cut off.
—That part of you is really cool. It’s cool, Sakosh, but...—
Saying that, Erina pressed her face against my back.
I felt a damp warmth slowly spread from there.
—You don't have to be cool...!—
Oh no. She caught me off guard.
If she says something like that, I’ll just...
—You can cry when it's hard, you know? You can scream when you're sad, you know?—
She continued in a tearful voice.
—...Rely on me more. Show me more.—
Erina pressed her head even harder against my back.
I let out a slow breath.
—...I'm fine, Erina.—
I answered as flatly as possible so my voice wouldn't shake.
—Sakosh...—
Erina made a sad sound and slowly pulled her face away from my back.
At that moment, I quietly turned around and faced Erina.
Looking at my face, Erina gasped.
—Sakosh, your tears...!—
That was the first time since that day that I showed my crying face to anyone besides Takuto.
—Erina... let me lean on your shoulder for a bit.—
Saying that, I buried my face in Erina's shoulder.
Her soft hands patted my head again.
—You worked hard, you were a good girl...—
The lukewarm moisture spreading from the corners of my eyes and my trembling shoulders.
—Hey, did I do a good job?—
I couldn't control my feelings anymore.
—Did I manage to act cool at the very end?—
My voice shook. My tone rose at the end.
I couldn't stay flat anymore.
The mask had completely peeled off.
—Yeah, I'm sure it's okay.—
A kind, sweet voice enveloped me from above my head.
—Hey, Erina.—
—Mm?—
—Will Takuto be happy now?—
That hand and her breath stopped for a moment.
—Sakosh, that’s already... completely 'love'...—
I heard the sound of Erina sniffing her nose.
—...If it's this painful, I don't need love.—
—I guess so...—
—If it hurts this much, I don't need love...!—
—Yeah, I understand...—
—If it’s this agonizing, I don't need love!—
I didn’t know if it was a sob or a scream, but a loud voice that I couldn’t believe came from me shook the air around us.
Strength went into the hands I was clinging with. Sorry Erina, your shirt is going to get all wrinkled.
—Right... I understand, I really, really understand. Erina feels exactly the same way. It hurts, doesn't it? It’s heart-wrenching. Why does it hurt so much when nothing comes back in return...—
Erina's voice was also getting teary and losing its shape.
—Hey, Sakosh?—
—...What?—
Erina gently pulled me away from her shoulder.
While looking straight into my eyes, messy with tears and snot, she made a clumsy smile.
With a voice that was soaked and trembling, she said:
—I love you, you know?—
At that smile, that voice, and those words.
—Haha, ha...—
I wonder how many years it's been since I laughed out loud.
I also had a face messy with tears and snot, and I'm sure it was an incredibly awkward, clumsy smile.
* * *