I told Azuma everything that had happened.
Meeting Ichikawa in Kichijoji, what happened at the fireworks festival, what Sako told me, my conversation with Erina-san, talking with Ichikawa, what I thought about yesterday, and what Yuzu said to me.
"Hmm, I see..."
Azuma, who had been listening with her lips pressed together, finally spoke.
"First of all, Konuma."
"Yes..."
Azuma narrowed her eyes and spoke in a low voice.
"Clench your teeth."
"Huh?"
The next moment after I let out that stupid sound.
"Ow, ow, ow!!!"
A dull pain shot through my forehead.
Holding my forehead, I looked straight ahead.
"Did you feel the strength of a bassist's right finger flick?"
Azuma was softly blowing on her right hand.
"That's the wrong direction to flick...! Hey, why did I just get a forehead flick...?"
When I asked, Azuma wrinkled her brow.
"Because you blabbed about Sakohasu, Konuma."
She said.
"About Sako..."
The fireworks of that day flashed back in my mind.
"You shouldn't just talk about something that important on your own, right? Well, maybe I'm partly responsible for trying to pry it out of you... But still, there's absolutely no reason to tell Erina, is there?"
Azuma was truly angry.
Seeing her expression, I gasped.
Thinking about it carefully, she was right... I was incredibly inconsiderate... Looking back, I'm truly sorry...
"Well, it's because you were talking to Erina about going to the fireworks festival, right? I get it, but still."
Wait, she's reading my mind again...
"...Well, Sakohasu probably won't be mad. Her resolve isn't that shallow... But that's just an after-the-fact justification! You have to reflect on this!"
"You're right..."
"Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I understand."
I nodded firmly. I'll have to apologize to Sako later...
Then, Azuma said,
"Well, I'll let it slide. Or rather, it doesn't really matter if I let it slide or not."
She finally gave a small smile.
Phew, a smile after getting scolded really is a relief...
"Now then, on to the main topic. It might get a bit harsh, so I'm sorry."
"Ah, yes..."
It seemed I wasn't in the clear yet...
"Hey, Konuma. What is your 'longing'?"
"That would be... amane's 'My Song', I think..."
The reason I decided to start making music.
That was something I had thought about and rediscovered yesterday.
"Yeah, I understand that feeling. In fact, it's no exaggeration to say I understand it better than you do."
"I guess so..."
Azuma-neesan's pressure is strong in weird places...
"Then, what was it that you truly longed for? amane-sama's singing voice? The chord progression? The phrases? The lyrics themselves? The performance technique?"
"That's..."
'The melody, chords, rhythm, and lyrics are all just the results of expressing those emotions.'
Ichikawa's words from back then came to mind.
"I don't think it's just one of them."
"Yeah, maybe so. Certainly, everything is the right answer, but everything is also the wrong answer."
Azuma nodded repeatedly.
"This is just my case, but,"
She continued.
"What I longed for in 'My Song' was the 'feelings' that exist there. The 'intent' to express it, if you will. And then, I longed for the source of that intent—amane-sama, no, the human being named Ichikawa Amane."
"You're right..."
The source where music is born.
"Then, well."
Azuma let out a breath.
"Is there any intent in this song of yours? Is Takuto Konuma there?"
"That's..."
The intent I put into this song.
"The feeling that I want to make a good song like amane..."
"...And the result of that is a song made with chords similar to 'My Song'?"
"Yeah... Hmm, no, when you put it that way, what I did was in incredibly bad taste..."
"Well, yeah."
Azuma laughed.
"I think good songs have intent. Originally, music exists to express that intent. 'Wanting to make a good song like amane-sama' might be a fine intent, but even so, that expression probably isn't this, right?"
"I suppose so..."
I actually knew it.
I knew it, but I didn't know what else to do.
Because for me...
"Konuma. I'm going to say something really, really harsh..."
"O-Oh..."
Azuma closed her eyes once, then snapped them open to meet mine.
"I have never once seen your own intent, Konuma."
"Not once...?"
Azuma nodded solemnly.
"You're too passive, Konuma. Everything about you is passive."
"Passive...?"
I didn't understand.
Something inside me refused to comprehend it.
"Amane can speak now, but she still can't write lyrics, and she's struggling to write new ones. That's surely because she has feelings she wants to turn into lyrics."
"True..."
"Sakohasu spent all these years trying to push you forward. That resolve moved your heart and brought back your sense of pitch. Right?"
"Yeah..."
Azuma took a breath.
"Then, what about you, Konuma?"
"I..."
Surely.
The fact that I couldn't find the words to reply immediately was the answer itself.
Azuma spoke to me with a gentle tone to the very end.
"Konuma, you always just let things happen to you. You grab the hand that's reached out to you, and you nod to what's said. You help those who rely on you, and you just give what's asked of you to those who seek it."
And then, she smiled sadly.
"I know it's not something anyone can do. But that's all it is."
"Azuma..."
"That might have been fine until now. But it's not okay anymore, is it?"
Her two large eyes stared back firmly at me as I looked into them.
"Hey, Konuma. You have to think for yourself. You have to choose for yourself."
She bit her lower lip, then cupped my cheeks with both hands.
"Have an intent, Konuma. You must choose. You might think it's presumptuous of someone like you to be the one choosing. I understand that feeling very well, too. But that's also just an excuse."
Azuma took a deep breath and said,
"Don't turn your eyes away from your 'true feelings,' Konuma."
I gasped.
Slowly, Azuma's hands moved away. Even so,
"The 'truth' is scary. The 'truth' hurts. Truthfully... I'd rather stay like this. Because the 'truth' is your naked self. But,"
Azuma stared at me and smiled.
"Show me an intent strong enough to be longed for. Show me Takuto Konuma's 'truth'."
"...!"
I tried to swallow what Azuma said.
That fact was still too big, too hard, and too bitter to chew.
But I had to swallow it.
"Azuma, thank you. I..."
And I had to give it a proper shape.
"There's something you have to do, right?"
"...Yeah."
"...I have to check the locks on the Instrumental Music Club room, so you go on ahead home."
"I..."
"It's fine! Hurry!"
Azuma smiled as if forcing herself.
"You don't have time, do you?"
"...My bad."
I'm always being helped, always being passive.
...But I'll make this the last time. That's what I decided.
I grabbed my bag and ran out of the classroom.
I ran. I ran.
Towards my destination.
* * *
Watching that uncool back leave the classroom, I let out a lonely sigh.
"Haaah..."
An uncool, weak, pathetic boy.
"Really, what an idiot..."
The kind of guy who definitely wouldn't be the protagonist in the shonen manga I like.
'I have never once seen your own intent, Konuma.'
But there was actually one thing, just one thing, that guy conveyed through his own will. Something he told me.
'Will you write lyrics for my song?'
Even though he's such a passive, hopeless guy, he's the only one who scooped up what was important to me head-on.
'It has to be your lyrics for my song, Azuma.'
"Stupid, stupid, stupid..."
If I make him choose now.
If I make him give an answer now.
I know there's no way I'd be in his current 'true feelings.'
"I'm such an idiot..."
I'm not even one of the options yet.
No, because I'm not even an option.
"Then I have no choice but to be the one to say it..."
Feeling my strength leave me, I gently looked down and pressed my right ear against Konuma's desk.
'Did you know Ichikawa-san's true identity was amane-sama too? Does that mean you were rubbing your ear against amane-sama's desk and saying, "It’s good, I can hear good sounds..."?'
Then, in my line of sight.
I saw Amane's seat by the window, beautifully bathed in sunlight like a spotlight.
That light, that scenery—for some reason, I don't know why—gradually blurred, smudged, and spread until it finally filled my entire vision.
Ah, I can't take it anymore.
The dam has broken.
If these feelings won't stop anyway.
If these feelings will just keep swelling anyway.
Then why didn't I realize it sooner?
Why couldn't I realize it sooner?
Why am I only realizing it now?
"You're too dense, you idiot."
A voice drenched in tears echoed in the empty classroom.
Inside that sound were 'true feelings' that could no longer be excused, no longer ignored, and no longer escaped from.