I parted ways with Ichikawa and Erina-san and headed home.
The existence of amane’s notebook that I saw at Mac earlier was strangely stuck in my mind.
Reaching out for my 'longing,' huh...
On the train, I stare at my hands. (Takuboku)
I realized once again that I really do want to make music like amane’s.
Yeah, I’ll make a song when I get home.
"I’m home—"
As soon as I arrived, I went straight to my room and closed the door.
I picked up my guitar with its rusted strings from the stand and sat on the bed.
To re-examine my 'longing,' I played 'My Song' through the speakers.
* * *
Hey, is there even a single thing only I can do?
In the corner of the classroom, just being a good girl.
Hey, is there even a single thing like an irreplaceable existence?
I might never know my fated person living in a distant town for my whole life.
I have nothing, so I have no confidence.
I have no confidence, so I have no courage.
Unable to even say "Stay by my side."
Walking while avoiding pain and wounds,
Before I knew it, I had distanced myself from the things I held dear.
It’s surely because being near what’s important hurts the most.
It’s all nothing but suffering, nothing but pain,
I want to throw today away.
But maybe, just maybe,
Out of six billion people in the crowd, to me, a single grain who can’t become anyone,
Someone might say "I'm glad you're here" someday.
Hey, is there even a single thing only I can do?
I answer: It doesn't matter.
If, because I was here,
Because I breathed, because I laughed, because I cried, because I sang,
Something was born...
No matter how small it is, that's fine.
I will live holding it up with a foolish smile, like pride, like a medal.
This is My Song.
* * *
"What a song..."
Still clutching my guitar, I felt all the strength leave my body and slumped against the wall on my bed.
Can I ever surpass a song like this?
In the first place, what does it even mean to surpass this song?
Does it mean making a better song than this one?
Then, what exactly is a 'good song'?
Where is the scale for that? Who decides it?
If more people are moved by it, does that make it a good song?
And so, I hit upon a topic that is often debated not just in the world of music, but in the world of creation in general.
That is:
'Should you make what you want to make, or should you cater to the masses?'
Every time I hear that, there's something I think.
"I can't really make either one..."
That was the truth.
That debate is originally for people who can do both—in other words, people who have a choice.
If 'what I want to make' literally means 'what I desire to create,' I don't feel like I can reach that at all yet.
No matter how many songs I make, if I were asked, "Is this what you wanted to make? Is there nothing better than this?" I could never honestly nod. At most, I could only say, "For now, well, I guess so."
If I just had to hand over whatever I happened to finish and call it 'what I wanted to make' after the fact, anyone could do that—even me.
And 'catering to the masses' is even harder.
You can't deceive yourself with your own evaluation; it produces a clear result.
It’s an idea that tends to be looked down upon, especially in the music world, but for someone like me who can't even do it, I think it's incredibly impressive to be able to make exactly what you intended to make.
Even if you make something thinking it's 'catering to the masses,' if the results don't follow, it just proves you failed to make it. You can't make excuses, and your lack of coolness is exposed for all to see.
In fact, I even think the people who look down on 'catering to the masses' are just scared of their talent being laid bare, so they frame it as something uncool to protect themselves. It's just an excuse.
They act like they 'can do it but choose not to,' and they don't even realize they're making that face. Even though they simply can't do it, they lie even to themselves, believing they're doing it by choice.
If it’s not a lie, then why?
Why was I so sulky when 'Daily Life is Good' wasn't listened to, talked about, or evaluated?
In the end.
I can only make the songs that I can make.
Then, isn't the only way to surpass amane to surpass Ichikawa Amane herself?
The more I think about it, the more I lose sight of it from every angle.
'Then, why don't you and Yuri make a song that surpasses "My Song," Konuma-kun?'
In this world where the brilliance of music isn't assigned a score, what does it mean to 'surpass amane'...?
The soldiers of my left brain march around my mind again and again.
Those guys marching look so arrogant, but who the hell are you... why are you acting so proud?
Or is it...
Because there's nothing inside, because you have no confidence, are you just putting on a bold front?
"Uuuuuuughhhhhh..."
"Um, are you okay?"
Startled, I snapped back to reality and looked toward the voice. Yuzu was leaning against my open door, sitting there with an ice cream stick in her mouth.
"...Anyway, Tak-kun, what are you doing?"
"No, I'm just playing the guitar..."
"No way, you're not playing at all."
Yuzu pointed at my hands with the ice cream stick.
"Eh...?"
"I mean, you've just been clutching it for the last thirty minutes without playing a single note."
"Did I...?"
"You did."
Yuzu furrowed her brows.
"...Wait, Yuzu, have you been there for thirty minutes?"
"Hah? N-no, it's not like that! Don't get the wrong idea! You stupid brother!"
"Huh...?"
There's no way my sister is this much of a tsundere...
Kirino—no, wait—Yuzu blushed slightly, cleared her throat with a "Cough!", and spoke.
"Tak-kun," Yuzu said, tilting her head.
"You can't play an instrument with your brain, can you?"
...What is my sister suddenly talking about?
"Well, obviously..."
"Ugh, that face is so annoying... Yuzu just said something really good!"
"Did you?"
I tilted my head. Physically speaking, she just said something completely normal...
Yuzu sighed, saying, "Haa, this is why my foolish brother is..." while waving the ice cream stick like a conductor's baton as she continued.
"Well, I don't know what you want to do. Since you have such a troublesome way of thinking, you just have to try doing it for now."
"Troublesome..."
"And besides, since it's you, you'll probably end up with something completely off the mark anyway. Like, 'Wait, that's not the part you're supposed to care about!'"
My rude sister giggled and then asked.
"But, you're not alone anymore, right?"
"Yeah, I guess..."
I graduated from being a loner last month.
"Then I'm sure someone will set you straight."
She grinned widely.
"So, just give it a try for now."
I blinked in surprise that Yuzu had somehow become capable of saying such sensible-sounding things.
"See ya!"
With that, she waved her hand and left for the living room.
What's up with her, acting like she knows everything...
Actually, why did she come to my room in the first place...?
But, well.
Maybe she has a point.
"Alright."
For now, I'll try making a song.
To reach out for my 'longing.'
I placed my fingers on the guitar I had just been holding.
I picked out chords familiar to my ears and began constructing the song.
...Yeah, not bad.
At the very least, it's definitely not bad.
A few hours later.
"Phew, it's finished..."
When I took off my recording headphones, a cool breeze cooled my cheeks.
'Konuma, send me the song as soon as it's done.'
I sent it to Azuma first.
Then, just a few minutes later, a message came back from Azuma.
Yuri: 'Can you come to school tomorrow? I want to talk about the song.'
Eh, is the school even open tomorrow? My schedule is free, so just as I was about to reply that it was fine, another speech bubble popped up.
"Whoa, seriously..."
That message read:
Yuri: 'I can't write lyrics for this song.'